Chapter One: Voldemort’s Patronus
Harry woke up to the sound of Hagrid’s frenzied screeching. “Oi!”, yelled Umbridge, which was an odd name for a frog. Hedwig jumped across Harry’s room and dropped pieces of meat onto Harry’s bed sheets, which were full of Ron’s tears. Harry picked up a slimy sword and quietly slipped it into Vernon’s dusty chandeliers.
“THAT'S A SPICY A MEAT-A-BALLLLLLLLLL.” Dudley worried that Harry would brand him with Dumbledore’s toenails that glowed in the dark. Therefore, he very obviously began to suck on a spider.
Hermione left into the bucket and yelled, “LOVE BANNER” and then mixed cake batter with candle mucus. Ron, leaving the years, jumped head first into Harry’s bed sheets, and instantly fell in love. He picked up a shovel, dug up a cannon and started to climb the window. He jumped off onto the patch of honey.
“There’s the grapefruit,” Ron whispered into the Golden Stitch. Carefully, he threw it out the window, where all the Scan Hats were. “Blimey!”
The alarm sounded, because it could.
“The dog’s lotion is lighting up!”, shouted Voldemort from the tall clock man.
EXPLORATION AND SAVINGS! Yes, Harry was excited about that. He had just won a ticket to the show, “Draco Malfoy matches the Purse Men”. Hermione came out of the poster board of Flitwick’s beard.
Harry Potter went up the stairs to find his long forgotten hand, which was just a candy cane. “You’re going to flop Voldemort!”
“THREE MOONS I WILL! FLY INTO THE -” Aragog’s hooves! The house was on fire!
“SHIN HANDLES! IT WAS LIT BY THE ELBOWS!” shouted Ron, picking up Hermione’s body bag.
“Quick! To the flying staircase!” Harry shimmied towards the Christmas Break. Meticulously, Harry cried on his broken books. The eggs stared back. Ron glared and helped Harry into the table. “Grab the zipper!”, Ron laughed, as he revealed himself to be Lord Dobby himself. “Ah. I was expecting you.” McGonagall mapped the Serengeti. She liked the butterflies. Not the water.
McGonagall did not enjoy water.
Hermione still was not close. She kept on kicking the orphans, for they were dusty moths, for crying out loud! She finally quintupled her gasps. The tipping horn! That was the answer to the riddle! She jotted it atop Dobby’s knees.
“Oh no. Spider devourers.” Dobby fell into Lily’s eyes. Lily crushed James. He cautioned the snappers, and they fell into a trance. James sucked them dry, and they became the Sword of Gryffindor.
“HALT. HARRY POTTER! YOU WILL APPARATE AT ONCE! OR ELSE, YOU WILL FACE MY ARMY!” Voldemort boomed, facing the wrong direction.
“Oh, fidget spinners!” Clammered Hermione, trying to wrap Voldemort. She started to throw apples at Ron.
“Worry Hermione!” shouted Ron, who went headfirst at Voldemort, who was voraciously consuming banana peels. “Curse these salty handkerchiefs!” Ronned Ron.
Ron hates anime. “What a scandalous devil!”, exclaimed Umbridge.
“ENOUGH OF THESE GAMES!”, chortled Voldemort, who was now watching The Lockhart Show. “PREPARE TO MEET GOD’S STEPCHILD.” Voldemort took out his train and squeezed the juice. Voldemort threw the gum on the floor and snowmen came out of it. Real snowmen.
“Oh! What’s this?” asked the door of the Three Broomsticks, who jumped onto the flying key. He lifted it in triumph.
“HAGGER?!”, it asked.
“Gosh, now that was an awkward paper hula hoop,” apologized Voldemort. “No
more gloves! Can’t walk now, ehh?”
Harry was out of breath, meaning the moon. “OH NO! Kangaroo people!”, yelled Harry. Harry looked into Harry’s eyes, and Hermione became awfully jealous. “Why won’t you love me, Goyle?”, she sighed, clearly overjoyed.
“THE GUY PIMPLES FACTS!” shouted Hermione. She kept transforming people into spoons.
“Haha!” laughed Voldemort, “Dang, there wasn’t enough orange peels!” Voldemort picked up rolls of butterbeer and tried to start another Youtube Red series.
“No Ron, it’s ‘Wingardium Leviosa’ not ‘Levi Strauss’, Ron you should go fetch me some lobster. It’s so windy out here.” said Hermione. Harry rushed towards the ground, trying to pick up all the snails available.
McGonagall ran away fearing that the snails will take away her flower pots.
“Ms. MsMcMrGonagall! Come back here at once!” boomed Dumbledore, tipping his fedora. He swung his golf bat into mustard.
“It’s McChicken!” shouted McGonagall, offended. “I must hurry to my hunk kitchen!” She raced towards Ron, telling him that his protein shake isn’t safe. Draco stared.
“WHERE IS THE CHICKEN SOUP?” Voldemort asked Draco.
“We’ll never handle it with care!” shouted Ron, who was patting the Ron pillows. “Can you even?”
“Harry, you must sleep.” whispered Lily. Draco stared. Dumbledore acted fast, he took a bucket and turned the doorknob.
Uncle Vernon shouted, “HARRY. GET. IN. THE. CRUMPETS.” Harry looked back at Harry. Draco stared. Harry ran over to Hermione and turned her into Ron.
“Hi Harry! Blimey!” laughed HermiRon, “That’s a nice-” HermiRon paused. “BLIMEY!”
“But… THINK ABOUT THE EGGPLANTS!”, Ron nervously screeched. “Blimey! Who are you?”
“Zoinks!” shouted Harry, who turned Hermione back.
Snape screamed, “Snape snapped, she should snack some salty spicy summer squash shrimp sauce spaghetti sandwiches soon said some silly shy scum. She shared sold slash sacrificed salesmen scored soup. Snape sipped some Snapple Straight-Up Sorta Simple Sweet n’ Sour ‘Sea Soda. ‘SNAILS!’ sneezed Sam.” Snape sobbed.
McGonagall did not enjoy life as we know it.
“You must be - BLIMEY - hungry.” munched Ron, eating. “What would you - BLIMEY - like?”
“A ham, a ham, a ham for the prince.”, replied Snape.
Harry rubbed his scar, “Get your free bobbleheads! Only 2000 Galleons!”
Hermione pushed Harry off the cliff.
“Is that a…BLIMEY?” Ron asked. He quickly drank boba.
“Stop it.” said Harry, making a handstand with a sausage link. “Single. H-”
”BBBBBBLLLLLLLIIIIIIIMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY” said Ron.
Hermione stood up, “Now that’s the stuff of it.“
“Your chin is now a chair!” Voldemort snarled to a turtle.
“But think about the!” yelled Ginny. Ron was afraid that the cheese would already be a stack of corn, but he scooped it up and kicked it, and when all was said and done, life would taste worse than it ever did before.
“Lamborghini.”, Harry whistled into the cold air, and he walked down the street, onto the walkway and through the Hogwarts Express.
Chapter Seventy-Two: In Which Mysteries Deepen
Every action has a reaction. If there is a fire, there is bound to be something burned, even if you started a small one in the middle of the Hungry Wastes down at the edge of the Flame Kingdom. (By the way kids, don’t.) That small act will do something. That small act could cost your life. Especially if you’re in the middle of the Hungry Wastes. There are poisonous gases there. But that’s besides the point. The point is, every little thing you do could cause a change. For good, or for bad. You have a life. You have lots of opportunities to make a change, so use it wisely. Use it wisely.
The door of the Three Broomsticks and Hermione were sitting in a corner of the room. Harry and Ron looked at her as she spoke in Harry’s Harry saw that Hagrid stared at. Draco Malfoy was standing in the middle of the room and landed on the floor beside the door of the three broomsticks. Harry looked around at the others in the room. Voldemort raised his robes and pulled Harry into his eyes. Professor Umbridge scribbled on Ron's knees: “Harry couldn’t stand up to Hagrid’s green roses. Why, Harry felt as though he had been expecting a long finger to look Harry in the eye and say another tremendous bang."
IF YOU ENJOYED THAT, GET READY FOR DAVID AND ERIC'S NEW EXCITING STORY! COMING TO YOU FEBRUARY 30th, -23756!
Chapter Seventy: In Which Everyone Runs For Their Lives
“But first open the door and let Snow and Flint in. We have to end this now,” Rose said in what she hoped sounded like a brave and confident voice.
Jack nodded and opened the door, saying, “Snow? Flint? We need- oh, no.” He rushed out of the room. Rose followed quickly behind.
Nide sat on his side outside and cried. He was so mad, he felt fried! "Tide!", cried Nide. "Shide wide pide gide!" Nide was tongue-tied. "What?", replied Tide, and they both sighed wide and decided to bide and abide, but Nide was abide, his pride unable to hide, "You lied, Tide! I almost died, but I pried the answers from Chide!" "Chide?", Tied both sighed and replied, and it seemed as if he had died inside. But Tide had not, and though Nide was red-hot, away Tide flied and would glide, before a bullet was applied inside his side by the allied law guide which made the skin divide as the bullet made the collide inside and Tide was implied to have died. This made the worldwide ride divide make it so that the guide was tied, tried, and asked why'd he'd shot Tide. The guide complied, and though he was spied and the lawyers vied, they found that punishment would have defied law guides so they untied the guide's hide and would provide the ride home nationwide, stateside, alongside and across the subdivide even if Nide was snide during the fight but he cried because in the beginning he actually lied and everyone died because they were oversupplied with food that was fried and as they exploded aliens watched from the wide world's outside starry-eyed.
Chapter Sixty Nine: In Which Rose Remembers
Snow was getting a little dizzy by the time she had gotten to the portal room. With all the excitement and danger that had been going on, and also considering the fact she hadn’t slept at all that night, she was just about ready to pass out. But of course, her brain didn’t let her, insisting that she would not be a burden to everybody else and that she needed to be there to help rescue Flake.
Chapter Sixty-Seven: In Which The Point Of Everything Gets Revealed And Seems Pointless
Rose did not trust Chief Alya one bit. Maybe it was just because the chief didn’t like her very much, but something about her seemed like there was more to her than what met the eye. She debated staying in the lab with Flake, since she highly doubted that there was anything interesting in the basement, but then she decided that, if Snow and Jack got into any trouble, (which she figured they would, being as naive as they are), she needed to be there to get them out of it.
Chapter Sixty-Six: In Which Once Again Someone Appears Unexpectedly
For a moment, it was like time stopped. Everyone froze in place, looking in horror at the bookshelf opening…
Then Rose swiftly shut it closed and everybody breathed a sigh of relief.
While she and Jack and Snow tried to hold the bookshelf door closed, the person at the other end pounded at it, causing the shelf to shake and the books to fall. Then the shaking stopped.
Chapter Sixty-Five: In Which The Oracle Explains About Unseen Physicks
With everything that had been happening, it would be suffice to say that Flake was feeling very overwhelmed by everything that was going on. He was having a rough time, considering he still hadn’t fully recovered from the shock he had when he woke up, and he still felt like throwing up when he had this slime thing forced down his throat but Jack unexpectedly appearing out of thin air was… well, almost to much to handle. And then Snow and Rose rushing in right after...
Chapter Sixty-Four: In Which Rescue Missions Take Place And Rose Gets Ignored
“You- you figured something out? What? What did you find?” Jack asked eagerly.
Have you noticed that these pages have markings and underlines and notes on the margins? Rose wrote.