Harry Potter and the Rise of the Hairless Snowcones:

Chapter One: Voldemort’s Patronus

Harry woke up to the sound of Hagrid’s frenzied screeching. “Oi!”, yelled Umbridge, which was an odd name for a frog. Hedwig jumped across Harry’s room and dropped pieces of meat onto Harry’s bed sheets, which were full of Ron’s tears. Harry picked up a slimy sword and quietly slipped it into Vernon’s dusty chandeliers.

“THAT'S A SPICY A MEAT-A-BALLLLLLLLLL.” Dudley worried that Harry would brand him with Dumbledore’s toenails that glowed in the dark. Therefore, he very obviously began to suck on a spider.

Hermione left into the bucket and yelled, “LOVE BANNER” and then mixed cake batter with candle mucus. Ron, leaving the years, jumped head first into Harry’s bed sheets, and instantly fell in love. He picked up a shovel, dug up a cannon and started to climb the window. He jumped off onto the patch of honey.

“There’s the grapefruit,” Ron whispered into the Golden Stitch. Carefully, he threw it out the window, where all the Scan Hats were. “Blimey!”

The alarm sounded, because it could.

“The dog’s lotion is lighting up!”, shouted Voldemort from the tall clock man.

EXPLORATION AND SAVINGS! Yes, Harry was excited about that. He had just won a ticket to the show, “Draco Malfoy matches the Purse Men”. Hermione came out of the poster board of Flitwick’s beard.

Draco stared.

Harry Potter went up the stairs to find his long forgotten hand, which was just a candy cane. “You’re going to flop Voldemort!”

“THREE MOONS I WILL! FLY INTO THE -” Aragog’s hooves! The house was on fire!

“SHIN HANDLES! IT WAS LIT BY THE ELBOWS!” shouted Ron, picking up Hermione’s body bag.

“Quick! To the flying staircase!” Harry shimmied towards the Christmas Break. Meticulously, Harry cried on his broken books.  The eggs stared back. Ron glared and helped Harry into the table. “Grab the zipper!”, Ron laughed, as he revealed himself to be Lord Dobby himself. “Ah. I was expecting you.” McGonagall mapped the Serengeti. She liked the butterflies. Not the water.

McGonagall did not enjoy water.

Hermione still was not close. She kept on kicking the orphans, for they were dusty moths, for crying out loud! She finally quintupled her gasps. The tipping horn! That was the answer to the riddle! She jotted it atop Dobby’s knees.

“Oh no. Spider devourers.” Dobby fell into Lily’s eyes. Lily crushed James. He cautioned the snappers, and they fell into a trance. James sucked them dry, and they became the Sword of Gryffindor.

“HALT. HARRY POTTER! YOU WILL APPARATE AT ONCE! OR ELSE, YOU WILL FACE MY ARMY!” Voldemort boomed, facing the wrong direction.

“Oh, fidget spinners!” Clammered Hermione, trying to wrap Voldemort. She started to throw apples at Ron.

“Worry Hermione!” shouted Ron, who went headfirst at Voldemort, who was voraciously consuming banana peels. “Curse these salty handkerchiefs!” Ronned Ron.

Ron hates anime. “What a scandalous devil!”, exclaimed Umbridge.

“ENOUGH OF THESE GAMES!”, chortled Voldemort, who was now watching The Lockhart Show. “PREPARE TO MEET GOD’S STEPCHILD.” Voldemort took out his train and squeezed the juice. Voldemort threw the gum on the floor and snowmen came out of it. Real snowmen.

“Oh! What’s this?” asked the door of the Three Broomsticks, who jumped onto the flying key. He lifted it in triumph.

“HAGGER?!”, it asked.

“Gosh, now that was an awkward paper hula hoop,” apologized Voldemort. “No
more gloves! Can’t walk now, ehh?”

Harry was out of breath, meaning the moon. “OH NO! Kangaroo people!”, yelled Harry. Harry looked into Harry’s eyes, and Hermione became awfully jealous. “Why won’t you love me, Goyle?”, she sighed, clearly overjoyed.

“THE GUY PIMPLES FACTS!” shouted Hermione. She kept transforming people into spoons.

“Haha!” laughed Voldemort, “Dang, there wasn’t enough orange peels!” Voldemort picked up rolls of butterbeer and tried to start another Youtube Red series.

“No Ron, it’s ‘Wingardium Leviosa’ not ‘Levi Strauss’, Ron you should go fetch me some lobster. It’s so windy out here.” said Hermione. Harry rushed towards the ground, trying to pick up all the snails available.

McGonagall ran away fearing that the snails will take away her flower pots.

“Ms. MsMcMrGonagall! Come back here at once!” boomed Dumbledore, tipping his fedora. He swung his golf bat into mustard.

“It’s McChicken!” shouted McGonagall, offended. “I must hurry to my hunk kitchen!” She raced towards Ron, telling him that his protein shake isn’t safe. Draco stared.

“WHERE IS THE CHICKEN SOUP?” Voldemort asked Draco.

Draco stared.

“We’ll never handle it with care!” shouted Ron, who was patting the Ron pillows. “Can you even?”

Draco stared.

“Harry, you must sleep.” whispered Lily. Draco stared. Dumbledore acted fast, he took a bucket and turned the doorknob.

Draco stared.

Uncle Vernon shouted, “HARRY. GET. IN. THE. CRUMPETS.” Harry looked back at Harry. Draco stared. Harry ran over to Hermione and turned her into Ron.

“Hi Harry! Blimey!” laughed HermiRon, “That’s a nice-” HermiRon paused. “BLIMEY!”

“But… THINK ABOUT THE EGGPLANTS!”, Ron nervously screeched. “Blimey! Who are you?”

Draco stared.

“Zoinks!” shouted Harry, who turned Hermione back.

Snape screamed, “Snape snapped, she should snack some salty spicy summer squash shrimp sauce spaghetti sandwiches soon said some silly shy scum. She shared sold slash sacrificed salesmen scored soup. Snape sipped some Snapple Straight-Up Sorta Simple Sweet n’ Sour ‘Sea Soda. ‘SNAILS!’ sneezed Sam.” Snape sobbed.

McGonagall did not enjoy life as we know it.

“You must be - BLIMEY - hungry.” munched Ron, eating. “What would you - BLIMEY - like?”

“A ham, a ham, a ham for the prince.”, replied Snape.

Harry rubbed his scar, “Get your free bobbleheads! Only 2000 Galleons!”

Hermione pushed Harry off the cliff.

“Is that a…BLIMEY?” Ron asked. He quickly drank boba.

“Stop it.” said Harry, making a handstand with a sausage link. “Single. H-”

”BBBBBBLLLLLLLIIIIIIIMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY” said Ron.

Hermione stood up, “Now that’s the stuff of it.“

“Your chin is now a chair!” Voldemort snarled to a turtle.

“But think about the!” yelled Ginny. Ron was afraid that the cheese would already be a stack of corn, but he scooped it up and kicked it, and when all was said and done, life would taste worse than it ever did before.

    “Lamborghini.”, Harry whistled into the cold air, and he walked down the street, onto the walkway and through the Hogwarts Express.

Pumpkin Wisdom.